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Renew, Reused [27 Aug 2008|10:26pm]
if i were to run away

would my feet actually take me anywhere?

if i was to drink my sorrows

i'm sure i would drown.

if i gave a breath to G-d

it would be a dragonfly's wing beat against His being.

if i would to lay in a field

my imprint would not last

the grass would spring up

a crescendo of nature's persistent push

to erase me

to forget me.

when did this wish begin

beguiled smile (Mona Lisa would be proud)

abreast a revolution in the irish hills of my sweet irises

twist this dream till crackling oak speaks

ruin the spider's stupor on his sun-slit windowpane

[pour] soul between toes like holy mire

that will cure your salt crusted self

brushing your follicles clear of shifty charms

i will be my clay-doll made by the Beginning

dance in fire

becoming hardened in my humanity.

* Listening to: chitchat of my mother & quick calm of crickets
* Reading: endless apartment searches
* Watching: a muted television
* Playing: with destinies
* Eating: the inside of my cheeks
* Drinking: sweet saliva
Comment 2 Comments Add To Memories Edit

let's all hope [20 May 2008|12:43am]
i seem to be toying with the idea of release

i'm writing poetry again after a sabbatical of around one year.

i feel free again.

now....if only i could find a job....

Comment Add To Memories Edit

reality didn't know me then [21 Apr 2008|11:06pm]
Do you ever feel like, every now and then, your life is going backwards?

There was a time when this wouldn't have phased me, a period of my life that stretched across years, and nothing felt real. No consequences for this fake universe, I wasn't exactly free to do as I pleased, it was more like living in a shell of time-and every now and then you would wake up and feel like half your life has been a dream, or nightmare, and when you realize it is the "reality", you return to that numb state of mind that allows yourself to succumb to arising each day to do your duties like a respectful, honest, faithful, virtuoud daughter that you have been taught to be.

Imagine that veil of uncertainty- if this is the real world, if this is going to hurt, if this will make something hppen, does it mean anything? If I push myself harder-could I break open like a twisted trap around some once-gracious animal of the brush? If I make this blunder, will I get away with it, sweeping past authority because I am the "good girl" - if they only knew I was planning chaos under my breath. Chaos of which world-only my own. For I did not want to harm any other person, I knew they had rights to live, the sunlight to love, the grass to touch, the wool to scratch their back in unreachable places.

It was just, I never felt the need to itch that scratch, instead I let it fester, I waited and felt the temptation and ignored it until it disappeared into the flippant universe of flesh that it arose from.

Living for years with out knowing if I was of any good or evil, whether what I did made any sense to any other mind that I was trying to connect to, and whether or not I could slip underneath the comfort of a tangled up series of scars on my legs and hidden portions of my body that no one would ever wish to see because I was defiled, dirty, and used by the worst possible man.

It has been a long time since I have been this conscious. For this year, I have reached the pinncale of pain, and I was in danger of never returning from it. This past September, it was the end of one life. And the blessed beginning of another.

Being reborn, reincarnation within the same shell, has been a hallowing experience. But healed, I am not. For the rest of my life, I will know what lies beneath my skin, I will see the scars on my body and know that it was I that made the choice to inflict them, I will understand that in one portion of my mind-I will always be crazy or depressed or suicidal or irrational.

But hear this, my journal, that this life is no longer ruled by an uncertain mind, by a wavering reality. The haze has lifted, and it has shown a clearer path. This does not mean I have all the answers for my life, nor that there won't be times that I get angry or hurt. It means that when I am angry, or hurt, that it is REAL this time. Ligitimate, solid, and quite valid.

I think I needed to write this because I wanted to feel what it would be like to be uninterrupted, listened to, and believed with a purity that only a journal can truly provide.

And now, to go and have some fun.
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[02 Jan 2008|12:01am]
i lost at uno.

we went through the deck 3 times.

dear god, i've never been so mortified or pissed off.



times a billion.


that is my as of right now. it's awesome basically. yup.

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[20 Jul 2007|10:51pm]
and then, she broke.

i cannot wait to get back to boston.

and dammit do i need to cook something and feed people.

i also need to do some rather saner things than that.

but hey, first come, first serve.

i'm beat. (in countless ways.)

i want to see sam h., lindz b, all my simmons ladies (ALL of them dammit), callie for christ's good sake, i want no men, no meaningless boys in sight- not this time. right now i need a woman pow-wow to just get pow-erful again. hell.

i just need.

a lot.

i guess i'm too damn needy.

how do i fix that....?

how do i fix me.....

fuck. i don't want to be fixed. i like myself.

and then, the songs start to sing.

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I'm a (damn) 85 even baby! got to skinny dip soon... [08 Jun 2007|12:41pm]
put the nuber of how many you've done

10-20 = goodie good
21-30 = a little rebellious
31-40 = getting there
41-50 = rebel
51-60 = bad girl/boy
61-70 = bitch
71-80 = fucking badass
81-90 = damn
91-100 = cant believe you made it this far

1) smoked (weed or cigs)
2) consumed alcohol
3) slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
4) slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5) made out with someone of the opposite sex
6) made out with someone of the same sex
7) had someone in your room of the opposite sex
8) watched porn
9) bought porn
10) done drugs

11) taken pain killers
12) taken someone else's prescription medicine
13) lied to your parents
14) lied to a friend
15) snuck out of the house
16) done something illegal
17) cut yourself
18) hurt someone
19) wished someone to die
20) seen someone die

21) missed curfew
22) stayed out all night
23) eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself
24) been to a therapist
25) been to rehab
26) dyed your hair
27) received a ticket
28) been in a wreck
29) been to a club
30) been to a bar

31) been to a wild party
32) seen the Mardi Gras
34) had a spring break in Florida
35) sniffed anything
36) wore black nail polish
37) wore arm bands
38) wore t-shirts with band names
39) listened to rap
40) own a 50 cent cd

41) dressed gothic
42) dressed prep
43) dressed punk
44) dressed grunge
45) stole something
46) been too drunk to remember anything
47) blacked out
48) fainted
49) had a crush on your neighbor
50) had someone sneak into your room

51) snuck into some else's room
52) had a crush on someone of the same sex
53) been to a concert
54) dry humped someone
55) been called a slut
56) called someone a slut
57) installed speakers in your car
58) broke a mirror
59) showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
60) brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush

61) consider ludacris your favorite rapper
62) seen an R rated movie in theaters
63) cruised the mall
64) skipped school
65) had an eating disorder
66) had an injury
67) gone to court
68) walked out of a restaurant without paying
69) caught something on fire
70) lied about your age

71) owned an apartment
72) cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend
73) cheated with someone
74) got in trouble with the police
75) talked to a stranger
76) hugged a stranger
77) kissed a stranger
78) rode in the car with a stranger
79) been sexually harassed
80) been verbally harassed

81) met face to face with someone you met online
82) stayed online for 12 hours straight
83) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight
84) watched tv for 12 hours straight
85) been to a fair
86) been called a bad influence
87) cursed
88) prank called someone
89) laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex
90) cheated on a test

91) cheated on homework
92) held hands with someone of the opposite sex
93) been pushed into a pool
94) played pool
95) watched 5 hours of mtv straight
96) had a crush on someone 10 years older than you
97) had a crush on someone younger than you
98) wear eyeliner
99) skinny dipped
100) laughed at someone who was seriously hurt

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summer's starting stings [03 Jun 2007|02:02am]
what a mess.

i need ...

to breathe for a while, and to enjoy whatever time i've got with everyone i love.

whew boy, what a beginning to the summer.

it sure comes with a bang, doesn't it?

well, let's watch these thunderstorms break over our heads

and let fat raindrops squeeze down the strands of our hair

and let's just sit together sweetly and sigh in the humidity

let's let the summer roll into our lives.
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home-sickness and swift night wishes [29 May 2007|04:32am]
how all this happened, i'm not quite sure.

oh life.

how silly you can be.

my mom's going into surgery tomorrow. she'll do great, i'm not really worried. i get to be her personal at-home nurse when she comes back. which actually will be nice since i'll be helping her get to where she has wanted to be for 7 years. which is walking without pain. no pain in her knees which has been there for a very long time. too long. and now, it will be hell for about two weeks, then ease up and by the end of a month-at the most- she will have no pain. fabulous. tough, but absolutely worth it.

my older brother is moving out of the house. he is 25. he has spent 7 years in undergraduate. he may still not have enough credits to graduate-how that is humanly possible i'm not quite sure. but hell, he's a bastard and has never tried in his entire life, so maybe it is possible for him to screw up just one last time before i may NEVER have to see him again. ever. and yet-

i have this sinking feeling something terrible is about to happen with him and i. i despise that sack of shit, and loath having to call him my older brother. he is worthless and selfish and i would have nothing to do with him if i could. he is depressed and anti-social and aweful and you know what? i could care less about his pity-problems. that little fucker needs to be caught in the act of something aweful and unforgiveable and put away for the rest of his life. and yes, i realize that is in pure spite and anger and it is bitter and mean-

but you know....i have barely allowed myself to feel hatred towards this pathetic wretch for most of my life, and now i can finally admit-he's worthless. he deserves none of time nor my pleasantries, he deserves none of my help nor my compassion. i have given him enough time to talk with me, to say sorry, to show some form of humble regret for what he did-for what he's done to my poor mother, jesus! and yet-year after year, time has past with nothing in return and i am through with waiting for his regret to show. he is over in my eyes. he is my brother. and he will be nothing more in my eyes. he is worth barely anything in my opinion, and i am through pretending that he is. i may be bitter, i may be angry, and as god as my witness i pray that i may be forgiven for that anger. i pray every single night that i may be forgiven for such bitterness towards my blood relation- and i pray that one day, one day it will fall to pieces and be forgiven. that all will be forgiven.


oh, and disney world was nice. i barely noticed the rides. it was...good lord, it was us again. we were back, together, as if no anger was passed between us, and as if no worries were spoken. btu then again, no. we were us again, surely. but to say that everything was the same is a lie. we worked through some tough shit for the past 5 months. and god it was hard. it was so hard. but i love him. and i was reminded how...we fit. we just fit. we always will. he'll always be my man. he'll continue to fascinate me, to fit with me in every manner. i wouldn't have it any other way.

now only if he would come home...just come back and fall into my arms again at night up in my room. to just giggle and have tickle fights, to conquer fears together and take steps towards a better day. to hold hands over the cup holders in his silverish-green odyssey van when we're cruising the back streets of western mass at midnight after a long day together. to smell his hair when we hug and know he's doing teh same thing to me, which gives me a soft smile and a poetic twinkle in my eye.

ah, to have him home again. to feel at home again. this past week-has been the closest to home i have felt in a very long time. it was hard to leave that. very tough to walk away from the person you love.

but some days, you just have to do it.

and move on.

so-into fun filled nights spent with college students, military men, fabulous graduates, a healing family, and just tons of people i call my dearest of friends. and we will party until the sun comes up some nights, and other days just sip tea and spill out some secrets of the past months.

what a fantastic future to look forward to.


i still wish i was home....

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ready or not... [14 May 2007|08:25pm]
yes, i should be studying. i have my italian midterm tomorrow morning at 11 am. which is nice, because that means i get a little bit of extra sleep. i'm sincerely considering a cappuccino and pastry tomorrow morning as well. it'll liven me up a bit, and i have TONS of coins i need to get rid of. which is good....it means lots of pastries and cappuccino. sweet! yes. hit up nanini in the morning before class. sounds good.

and yes, i STILL should be studying. and i'm not. and....well, boo for that. i'm ok with it. you know what i recieved today? my final paper for my black death class. with a grade on it. you know what i got for a grade for my 11 page final paper on "theories and astrology:the medical remedies of the black death"? well, shit. i got a 95 out of 100. we-heh-ell. call me mrs. fancy pants. woo-hoo!

i also had two final exams today. they were both....scary-easy. i mean that type of easy that makes you look around at other people as you're taking the test and think to yourself..."really? REALLY? this is what i was studying for? well....*shrug* alright!" they were both easy. mainly because one was a literature exam...and come on. that was amazing. we could USE OUR BOOKS! puh. it's not even a real lit. class, it's lying to itself to make itself feel better about its image. (haha, silly class...) and the black death exam? HAHAHAHA. ok, think of this: five questions. that is all. five. on the entire exam. questions one through four were super-short essay type questions. basically, respond in the least amount of sentences possible. and no, that is not what just I did, that is what the PROFESSOR told us to do. i love italy. wowzers. and the last questions we could choose between 7 questions! which meant EVERYONE had a question they knew. freaking. amazing. loooooove it.

and now, i am listening to Jump by Pointer Sisters. i'm listening to it and it reminds me of love actually. because that movie is AMAZING. and i got it for $10 at virgin megastore in boston on newbury street. because i am amazing. and i love that movie and i watch it every christmas season. yes. i am that corny. and yes. i do have weird christmas traditions. bite me. (in a nice place please? haha)

and continuing. i am STILL not studying my italian. i have a speech to write for italian too. it's due wednesday. but early and stuff, so i should finish it soon so i don't have to write it last minute the night before. like my lit paper that i handed in this morning. whew, that was a relief to get off my hands. but i still have to present on THAT too-those weirdos. i have to present on a paer?! crazy. just crazy. but heck, i'll humor her. it'll take maybe five seconds? and then, finito with that class! woo!

wednesday is a crazy day. i have two presentation-type things....9 am for lit presentation on our papers, then 11 am to noon is italian oral exam. woot. which we can prepare for and have something written if we want. which i definitely WANT. hmm..then after noon fun stuff. such as studying madly for presence of the past course. boo! BOO!!! presence of the past final is going to be sucky. mainly because the prof LIKES to trick us. i believe he has "challenging" students and "tricking" student mixed up in his head. oh, and it doesn't help that he's a pompous prick. but hey, it's just ICING on the cake that he has a freaking BRITISH ACCENT! *hiss* but hey, he's incredibly intelligent. i know that. he really knows his stuff. but his stuff costitutes of architecture of the medieval period, and mainly ONLY in Siena or surrounding Tuscan cities. and so, yes. i am frustimicated with that man. plus he likes to throw in things we have never discussed, in class, on field study, nor that appear in articles, onto exams. as i said, he is a bit confused i think.

and continuing even more...wednesday will be hectic, but worth it. i also have the final dinner business thingy in the evening, which means...FREE FOOD! which is always very very much appreciated when you buy your own food. i mean, reall REALLY appreciated. i have to clean the apartment at some point. but really just my room. and i have to continue to throw stuff out. and recycle my damn bottles...i keep forgetting about them. neeeed to do that.

and then thursday. thursday. which is very soon. thursday afternoon i meet anne and michelle at piazza della poste at 3 pm. with our luggage. and we are going to take a taxi to the train station. and we catch our train at 3:58 pm. and we get off at chiusi and transfer to another train, with our luggage. and we get on that one, and we head to rome. and then we get to rome, we check into our hotel. and....then we sleep at our hotel. and we wake up. and we go to the train station again. and we get a train to the airport. and then....we go board our planes. and then...we go.....


only for me, i won't be there that long. i get into boston at 3:30 pm on friday the 18th. i go back to western mass to my house. my daybed. my cat ollie. my brothers. the noisy bird. the... tv? the cars, the mall, the people, english....people will speak english. all around. on signs. on menus. everywhere. and i get up the next day and i get a haircut (which i desperately need) and get my bangs back (yay!) and then me and my mom go shopping. and then, more sleep. LOTS more sleep. and then the next day, sunday-next sunday i will board another plane and travel to florida. and i'll arrive in orlando airport at 8:22 pm sunday night. and dear lord almighty. i will see him.

and then...

who knows.

who knows what happens.

all i know. all i know is that hell....

i'm going to look smokin'. i'm going to be sexier than i have ever looked. because dammit-

i want some fucking good lovin' coming from that damn guy.

and i'll make him want me. i'll make him want me so damn badly it may hurt. and ... hell yes to me. hell yes to me and my damn sexy body. and my fucking smokin' flirting skills. and...

hell yes to me!!!

AMEN people! AMEN!

ok....study time?

hahahaha, that was a good joke huh?

i'll miss it here. but hey, it is time. and i'm ready. i'm ready to show everyone what i'm made of. and never ever be afriad of calling someone up again, or saying yes to an offer to hang out, i'm not going to be afriad to be hurt, or to be left alone. because if i don't do this, if i go back to my old ways, i WILL be alone. so....i'm gunna buck up a deal. *smirk* and everyone should be ready.

because i am.
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sleep, roommates, and patience [13 May 2007|12:19pm]
i do not bode well on few hours of sleep.

and right at this moment, i wish i could snap and beat someone senseless and never be reprimanded for it.

insolent sickening miscreant.

she deserves worse.

i'll show her a hell of a lot worse.

maybe i should take away the power cord i have let EVERYONE use? perhaps then she will be more aware of how arrogant she is being to another so close in proximity to her.

i HATE roommates.

thank fucking god I have a single next year. there is no way in hell i could do this for another damn year. jesus christ.

inconsiderate idiot.

people drive me crazy sometimes.

this is just me being exhausted and venting on the absolute mundane vexations that occur when my patience is tried too thin.

forgive my rantings.

i'm just gripping the edge of patience with my tired fingers-and if they slip, it'll be her damn fault anyway. that blemish on society. ach.
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Cambiare by Alex Baroni [11 May 2007|10:39pm]
Ti nasconderai
dentro i sogni miei
ma io non dormiro'
mi dovra' passare
e quanti amori avrai
che cosa gli dirai
e quanto anche dl me
io dovro' cambiare.
amore, non mi provocare
arrivero' fino alla fine dl te
amore, mi dovra' passare
per restare libero, cambiare.
ti nasconderai dentro gli occhi miei
ma io non guardero'
io dovro' cambiare.
amore, che non puo' volare
resterai qui fino alla fine di me?
amore, mi dovra' passare
per diventare libero, cambiare, cambiare.
combattero' con le mie notti bianche
combattero' devo ricominciare a inventare me.
amore, non mi provocare
arrivero' fino alla fine di te.
amore da dimenticare
per diventare libero, cambiare, cambiare
e per non cadere piu', cambiare

i'm sad today. rough night, rough day, i'm ready to fall asleep and smile again in the face of tomorrow. never going to give up.

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letter to myself in anguish [10 Apr 2007|08:50pm]

i'm broken.


well, he's in.

and, in a way,

he's out.

boy, do i feel trashy.

i feel reeeeeallllly trashy, icky, and generally ... goopy.

and to think, i'm going to sicily tomorrow.

somewhere i've always dreamed of going...

and now...

i'm not even excited anymore.

i just want to cry.

well, that's a lie.

i HAVE been crying, so "want" is kind of out of the picture



i guess all there is left to do

is take one helluva long shower

to just...

remind myself

that at least one guy is always there:

one very big, nice, wonderful guy

who kinda saved my life

heh, he's a great one;

good ole' God.

i love Him.




i know he wanted this, and i know i didn't pray to stop him, and i know i just prayed for everything to work itself out, but jeez man....

why do i hurt so bad if i knew this was going to happen?

why do i feel like i broke something?

i tried to prepare myself,

kind of prep for this moment

and yet....i guess ya can't do that...

this feeling will still come

even if you prep for it

ya just gotta take it all in stride

take it all in

and just breathe.

just breathe....

just keep breathing katy

you CAN do this.

it'll be ok katy

it'll be ok

i know this is what you want hear hon

you want to hear good things hon

good things....

like a girl with rainbows for wheels

or pigeons marching in a circle

or sheilds that fear harvests within

or beauty...everywhere...

everywhere katy

so remember to trust that hon,

remember to trust what you have

remember, beauty...everywhere hon


trust it.

love it.


just remember.....

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summer rains [10 Apr 2007|01:11pm]
so, the answer finally comes

and yes, he got a job for the summer

and yes, he's confused

but no, i won't interfere

and no, i won't let him give this up

not if he wants it

not if he has wanted it for so long

not if it makes him happy.

and if he can be happy,

i'll be happy.

i'll make it.

in fact, i'll have an amazing summer

one helluva summer

one i will always remember

b/c i want that.

i have wanted it for a while now,

and dammit, what the heck right?

might as well

go for my dreams, babe

and just enjoy summer's glory days

enjoy them all

the rough scraped knees

the scratches from wood's brambles

the scent of my pine trees after a good, long, summer rain

running around in the parks

getting sun in my eyes

sand in odd places after a beach trip

(it gets all over the place whether you want it to or not)

we'll talk


we'll miss each other


but, hell...

you gotta do what you gotta do

and i have to have a memorable summer

and he, he wants to do this.


let's go kids,

fire up your engines

b/c i'm going to be ready to rumble when i get back

and i'll need you.

i mean, really really need you.

b/c this is the summer

that katy ott glows.

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sweet lullabye for lovers [31 Mar 2007|04:09pm]
half broken fingernails
braid my spiltting hair
swirling into
a tender tornado
that sweeps my shoulders
and rolls curls under
peek-a-boo beds
with locks of a natural tendency
and an unlikely princess
falls into slumber

much love to all, on this beautiful night.

may the very stars shine in your dreams this night.

and may the warmth of lived-in comforters lull you to sleep.

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love lifts up to where we belong...in your arms. [31 Mar 2007|11:04am]

you know that whole bit about me never having gotten terribly sick after drinking?

well, that streak is over.

ach, great, amazing, wonderful night

but oy that was a lot of fruit chunks. (ew)

i'm just looking at that experience as a blessing in disguise. i never ever would have thought to have gotten this close to people in such a short period of time. honestly...my friends are stunning, amazing, beautiful people. i'm incredibly blessed to have them.

as you can tell, i've gained some new experiences, ideas, and friends while i've been here in italy. it has already changed me quite a lot. and yes, i do recognize it is not the country that changed me, but the people i am around and enjoying my time with here-and it also has to do with how much i want to change, how much i am willing to learn and grow. so-there are a lot of aspects to this new-fangled person i am.

but really, how great it feels to be able to say-

i will know them for life. they love me. i love them.

and THAT is the greatest greeting a new world could ever give.

so thanks to God for them.

oh....and thanks to God they took such amazing care of me last night (at the end) though....i have to admit, i carried myself pretty well despite the aweful-grossness of the situation. and i called each of them this morning to thank them, and tell them to expect something nice from me in the near future (i.e. a lil' present for being so amazing.)


goodness life is good.

and yay for feeling better this morning!!! yay!

and yay for friends....a big hoorah.

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well....love does this to you, alright?! [29 Mar 2007|04:34am]

ok...i think i'm going to be tortured until 4 pm my time 11 am everyone else's.

good lord i wish i could just call now.

oh damn.

damn damn damn.

honestly.....what's going to happen? will he end up staying anyway? will he come back to westfield? will i be able to have the vacation for a week that i wanted? that...we wanted actually...will everything turn out ok? oh jeez...i'm so freaking worried. ach. will this make him even more insecure about his height than he already is?! jesus,i hope not.

he's gorgeous, what the hell is wrong with them? maybe he'll get a movie ride-type job....where he says a spiel and has fun with that...he'll still be in character essentially...oh shit...

i dunno what i even WANT either! i dunno if i want him to stay or to come back....

if he comes back...we get back together. oh hell, that would be amazing, i know it would.

but it would also mean that i wouldn't be doing some certain things that maybe kinda sorta i was looking forward to-like getting hopelessly drunk and making out with a certain someone...s... oy.

and yet.....do i need that? no..i really really don't. because i know for a fact, andy is the one for me. he's it. he fits. and i have kissed other boys, other girls, and frankly...fuck all, he's the only one i can see myself kissing for the rest of my life without ever ever EVER getting sick of it. i can never get sick of him....he's my best friend. he's the love of my fucking life!

and i found him when i was 18 years old...whoda thunk?

well, fuck it all. i want him home. yup, that's the decision.

i want him home, in my arms, taking naps and walking in the parks, going to movies, getting the last harry potter, having parties, going to parties, hanging out with friends, etc.

i want him to come home-to me.


i'm hopelessly in love, huh....

well, might as well make the damn best of it.

ha. that won't be very hard to do....


i love that man.

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oh Italy...you silly goose [26 Mar 2007|08:18am]
so...a lady just came into our apartment and took our broom.

she mentioned lauradonna's name; the person who works for campus services and is employed by ies to upkeep our apartments. i.e. if something breaks, we have a leak, etc-we call her and then she MAY come fix it herself...or someone else will, or we just figure it out ourselves.

and....apparently she sends ladies to take brooms as well.


oh, and i feel better. viral stomach evilness is not fun. but hey, i got my one sickness a year out of the way. hoorah!! no more being ill. NONE. i hate being sick. ew.

and i made the most amazing risotto today-milenese-and it was truly fantastic. yay for bowls of rice that make your day better.

and....i'm figuring out what i need to take for classes next year. pretty easy. 4 comm classes (oh god, what a chore...haha) 2 art classes (one with hanni-not too shabby, and one seminar for my internship) and then....my internship. and MAYBE a lit or language class. but i'm trying to clear that up now so i won't have to take one. because three classes per semester would be AWESOME.

oh...and i desperately want a single next semester. i'm a senior dammit. i want one i want one i want one! hahaha, i can be so whiney sometimes. i still have to work out where i want to live and if i'll be in a suite with anyone or not. (i kind of want to be in a suite...it'd be nice.)

but anyhoo-life is good. i have to work on a project for presence of the past with anne. yuck. we have to give it tomorrow. uck uck uck. whatever. it's easy. and almost done. woo hoo for slideshows!! haha

and anyway......i'm downloading when harry met sally. b/c i WANT a chick flick dammit.

i know all my disney movies by heart now. hercules is seriously amazing. and beauty and the beast will NEVER get old. i still get chills every time i hear that opening theme with the forest scenery. ahhhh amazing. (i wanna be belle at disney...anyone blame me?)

ok...i need to comment on some poetry and write some of my own today.

so-i'm off.

much love.
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wander days [23 Mar 2007|03:27am]
off to take my last midterm exam- italian...the one i worried about most.

which might not be saying much, but hell, at least i'm saying it.

and off to basically surprise myself

whether it be in how much i know or how much i need to learn i am yet to find out.

oh....and brushing my teeth. it feels nice when they get all slick.

and mmmm a nap when i get back...blissful.

and then off at night for extraordinary things....such as a movie at francesca's.

oh yes, and i have to ponder and explain the question of numbness....lovely.

well.....off to do all those things and more.

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awkward moments in a small room [11 Mar 2007|05:44pm]
sweet, my roomies boyfriend just walked in on me doing yoga-woo hoo!! awesome first impression eh?

anyhoo, my life rocks.

and the neighbors were blasting 80s music at 5 tonight, it was superb!

oh, and Rome is one of the best cities in the world-just to let you know! pics will be on facebook soon...i'm just waiting for everyone else to put them up-my camera can really bite when trying to take pics with flash-it has an odd flash, i dunno what's with it. oh well, i got some hot pics of me on some ancient ruins in the middle of a field. seriously, it was gorgeous.

oh, and i cannot wait until sicily. that is going to be a fantastic trip! and hopefully i will get loads of sun. i got some tiny tiny tiny amount in Rome, but not enough to matter. it was good though, but now i only look kinda dirty. it's weird. haha. but my freckles are out and about again for the season! yay!

oh, and i bought the hottest dresses of mankind in Rome this past w/th/fri (that was my Rome cultural trip with 6 others in my program, it was great) one dress is deep purple, has a lil slit up the side, and has this even stretchier black fabric underneath it that when the purple swoops down at the front, the black covers up my chest. (think v-neck with a shirt underneath, except the purple isn't in a v-shape.) and its strapless and has a kick-ass back to it. shows off my hotness. (no, i'm not concieted dammit!) and the otehr dress is sooooo hot and adorable and awesome and i love love love love it, it's red with white polka dots and the front cuts in a DEEP v-shape, and kind of overlaps-and it's about to my knee in length, and it's so hot. it hugs my curves perfectly and i adore it. i'm going to wear it when i first see andy. because i want to be the lady in red in that song dammit. plus, i just want to remind him just how amazingly sexy i can be.

oh yes, and i will be going to disney world on may 19 until may...26? something like that. a week. basically b/c i'm not sure if andy is coming back for the summer or not. he is auditioning for a character job at disney, and will be extending his stay if he gets a charcter job. so he'll be gone until august if he extends the program. yup. oh, but he is coming back for a week in the middle of the summer, but...yeah. that's mainly why i'm heading over to disney. oh and...b/c it's fucking disney. and it's him. and...i'll get tan for once in my life. hahaha. no, no...i probably won't...haha. but i will have an amazing time. and i cannot wait to go. it's going to be absolutely fuckign magical. haha.

oh....and then i come home for teh summer and feel completely bizarre b/c i'm in america again. and there are people i know literally around teh corner from my house again. and i can call them up and go out whenever i damn well please. and...oh boy, will that be amazing. ps: everyone who is reading this: you are missed and i want to hang out with you as soon as i possibly freaking CAN when i get back to the states. there shall be no "down time" for me when i get back home ok? i will be calling anyone i possibly can up and asking if you'd liek to go have fun. oh, i may be hopelessly broke when i get back home, but i'm getting a job like always for over the summer, so i'll have money soon enough. wow. and...

yup, that;s all for now. the boyfriend stopped fiddling around teh room so now i can get back to some yoga and go to sleep. i'm waking up at 6ish to talk to andy, he might have had a rough day. poor boy had to work 10 hours today, and he lost an hour of sleep because of daylight saving time. and so-i shall call and make him smile smile smile. because i love him and i want him to be happy.

ok-love to all, and i miss ya.


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fllow the lines: they lead to ever after's avoidence [28 Jan 2007|04:40pm]
there's nothing quite like

escaping by way of

a river of words thrown

steady by the waves of your gaze

you sigh as a thought drifts

confuses the rhythm with a ripple

topples your structure of abandoned quizzical wonders

the respite of calm clarity dies in the single scream of ice breaking

as a silver frost adheres to your mind

filtering between trust and whispers of sweet loyalty

until the untimely death of utopia shivers

cold servers the lonley hopes

that all would be

happily ever after

now always in a dream.

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[19 Jan 2007|02:32pm]
Ok everybody, so I figure it is TIME to update. I just put some photos of Siena on facebook, go check them out! They have a whole album all to themselves!! And tomorrow I plan to take more pictures. I'm going exploring tomorrow, just basically to get a grasp of the city and REALLY get into it.

So, here's what has happened in a very short period of time:

I came to Italy.

Ok guys, that's all!

hahaha, no, I wouldn't do that to you!

So I flew out of Logan airport on Sunday night, got into Zurich at 7ish in the morning (their time) then got on the plane to Rome at around noon. Then I landed in Rome at maybe 1:30. Then I found my luggage, and got on the train to central Rome. I got into central Rome at around 2. Then I got off teh train and went to the designated IES hotel, and met Jon the IES director for Siena-who brought me to the new hotel b/c the one they had reserved for us had a water mane break and the city shut it down for a few days. So, he brought me to the new hotel and I checked in and went up to my room. There I met Daniella, and chatted to her for a while, then took a well needed shower. Then I took a nap for a bit, then I met Francesca, out other roomie for the night in Rome, and then we chilled out for a bit writing in journals and such. Then we went to meet everyone for going out to dinner. Then we were shown down the street, and went into this tiny restaurant whcih half was set up with several tables to accomodate for the entire program's participants to sit down at. WE GOT SO MANY COURSES!!! And the food was in a word: stunning. The bread, teh wine, oh my goodness. Soooo perfect. We all chatted it up that night and talked about basic stuff like what we studied at school and how many family mebers we had and stuff liek that. Then we went back to the hotel and basically passed out!

Tuesday: We then got up at 8:30 am and got ready for the day. We had breakfast downstairs in teh hotel, and then went to a different hotel to have our first orientation meeting, which was honestly quite boring and I won't even bother writing about. After the meeting, we made sure our luggage was safely on the bus, and we boarded a bus heading for Siena! On teh bus ride we saw the absolutely sensuously beautiful Tuscan landscape- honestly, pictures do it no justice at all. And I saw it on a cloudy, slightly misty day!! I fell asleep a bit and then woke up to find myself on the outskirts of Siena. The bus parked outside the medieval city's gates (Big buses are not allowed inside the old city.) and we got out and got our luggage in a pile according to apartments we lived in. We chatted with our roomies (mine are Sarah, Maura, and Lindsay) and then were lead to our apartments by a very chatty italian woman that we could not understand (but pretended we did! lol) Our luggage was loaded onto a truck that would drop our stuff off in front of our apartments after we were checking them out and everything. We got to our apartment-amazing. So much better than I thought it would be. Bigger, with three bedrooms (doubles) and two bathrooms (full) and a kitchen w/a fridge, a stove top, and a toaster oven (since we don't have a real oven.) Awesome. No view, but still very good location, right off of the Campo-the center of teh city with the Fonte Gaia and Torre del Mangia and the Plazzo Publico. Very cool.

We got our luggage a little while later, dragged it all upstairs, then we started taking showers. VERRRRRY cold. But, I figured out a way around it-use cold water for everything but cleaning your body-and save the hot water for last so it feels reeealllly good. Then after showering, we went out and got some pizza from the pizzaria down the street from us. sooo yummy again. It's very intimidating the first time you order food in another country, but you have to just go for it. So I did!! And it was fine, of course. After dinner we came back and got into pjs, relaxed for a little bit, then for one reason or another everyone ended up in my and Maura's room, and we ended up talking until 1 am or around there.

The next day: Wednesday: We got up by 9 and met everyone else in the program at the Fonte Gaia in the Campo-and we trekked over to the IES center to take language placement exams. woot woot. The written was AWEFUL-but afterwards, everyone seemed like they had a really hard time with it, so it wasn't just me. Plus, I got things here and there...lol. That sounds so bad. Oh well! The oral portion of the exam went great! I even translated something for the person that was with me (we went in two at a time) even though I don't think I was supposed to. hahaha. Anyway, then after the exam we went to wander around a little bit and get lunch. We split up for a while and then met back up again at my apartment. (There was like, 11 of us) about 5 of us went to David's apartment first to look around and see his freaking awesome view. (damn him!!!) and then we headed to my apartment. Then we all headed back to the center for another orientation meeting. Which was sooooo dragged on-it was so boring. But whatever-we got to watch a movie at the end about the Palio (the famous horse race)

got to go.

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in order to fly away [10 Dec 2006|11:07pm]
I am DONE!!!

Finished with my last paper for this semster, and damn does it feel good. 6 pages of almost pure crap, but hey-I can deal with that small fact.

My room is empty right now. My ma and brother came down for the big move-out. Since...I'll be going to Italy next semester.

That is so much closer. I am so close to going to freaking ITALY. Imagine that. That's insane!! And amazing. And for some wicked weird reason, all the people on the Siena facebook groups are from freaking Cali!! WTF?! Like, no one is from the east coast!! Whatever, I guess after next semester I will have way too many friends in Cali and I'll have to visit all the time. Yeah-and then FINALLY I'll get to go to CALI!!!! Ach, I've been wanting to do that for a while, that would be awesome.

Anyhoo-I'm super excited about going. Nervous as hell, sure! But very very excited. I'm looking at this experience more as a learning experience socially than intellectually. I have to learn to trust people more. I have to realize that...hey, there is a REASON why so many people talk to you or invite you places. So maybe once in a while, you should get over your nervousness around them and just let it go. Let yourself be real. I guess it can be hard for me to be real around a lot of people, I feel like they will laugh. And leave. I guess it is easier just to be what they want! Hey, I KNOW what they want-so might as well give it to them right? But...I have to get past that and understand that hell-people want me. HAHAHA-and not (always) in that way. Ach. You know what? I have to get over THAT too. I have to fucking realize that there are guys (and GIRLS) who actually think that I am beautiful. That think about kissing me, or just hugging me for a very prolonged period of time. I have to get over the feeling taht my body is not up to par and that no guy would ever be interested, because that idea is SHIT. It is!! lol. Good lord, there are men and boys and girls and ladies who really genuinely think I am a hot woman. THANK THE LORD! lol. I guess what I need most of all is just...

to let it all go.

Italy-get ready, because one of the most influential, astounding, beautiful people of the friggin' universe is coming your way. And she wants to free her dreams.

I love my life. No matter what shittiness lies ahead-there will always be some golden days to look forward to.

~Katy friggin Ott
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SMALLVILLE I LOVE YOU!!! [07 Dec 2006|10:05pm]


Smallville is the best.

And I do not know how I will survive without it.


ok..my flipping out is complete.

*hugs* to all!!!!

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the beatles had it right... [29 Nov 2006|07:56pm]

i'm a little better now, basically just going along with life-trucking along like i always have. i mean, i haven't let anything stop me yet, so why start now? no way. nothing is going to get in the way of my good life, nothing will stop me from getting what i truly want. no matter what.

it will turn out fine, and i completely understand the reasons behind it, i even think that it will make a lot of things a hell of a lot better! but, it still hurts. a great deal. but...that's ok. because pain has always taught me well, pain and suffering are what i am REALLY good at. i can push past what most would just surrender to. nope, not me. i'm stubbern as a goddamn mule. but yes, it still hurts right now.

i'll be a little off-kilter for the next few days. but don't worry about me, i can pick up after a nuclear war and make everything so much better again. so seriously, i will be great. just right now, i'm not so fabulous. right now, i'm hurt and pretty sad. but hell, at least i'm not numb. at least i'm not giving in. nope. not me. not now.

yeah-so here's the deal: tell me you love me. i mean it! tell me you love me as much as you possibly can in the next few days, because i'm going to want that. i don't want advice, i don't want "oh...you know, it's going to be fine..blah blah blah" no, i just want to hear as much as possible how much everyone misses me and loves me, and how you'll stand by my side. no matter what. i need that now. if you can say it honestly, please do! i'd thank you so much for doing it honestly.

so yeah-right now, all i need is love. (dah da duh duh daaa)

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[29 Nov 2006|09:17am]
my heart aches

i feel so broken

i don't know anything anymore

and crying ... what is the use

i wish it could be different

but it can't now.

i want to go home.

i want my mother to tell me everything will work out alright

i want to be held by my mother

and whispered to

no...i can't cry right now.

i have an italian test to take.

and then...the rest of the day

the rest of my life.

can i do this anymore?

of course.

but nothing will ever be the same.
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